Retail Wednesdays! Or Why You Shouldn't Show Me Your Laptop

Wow, this week I actually had ridiculous people come into the store! I was getting all excited when I was telling my dad that yesterday, and then paused, wondering if there's something wrong with me. *shrugs* Probably. Ah, well.

There are always disturbing things you overhear while working as a cashier. Such as hearing this conversation:

Lady: Hey! Don't you have a necklace like this?

Other Lady: Yes.

Lady: Didn't that guy give it to you? You know...

Other Lady: Oh, you mean the one that tried to seduce me?

Lady: Shh! We're in the Christian Store! You can't say seduce!

First off, there is just no right way to respond to this. Either you duck behind the counter for a quick chuckle, or you just stare in their general direction trying to decide if you want to hear the story behind the comment, or if it's better not to know.

Second off, have you ever heard of Song of Solomon? If that's in the myriad of Bibles on our shelves, I'm pretty sure you can use the word seduce without me going all righteous bananas on you.

Oh my bananas, that's a lot a' bananas

But probably one of the most disturbing things (and it's partially disturbing because I hear it SO SO often) is this:

Me: The total is ____ (fill in blank with random number)

Customer: (handing me a credit card) Here, try this one.

I never want to actually take the credit card from them after that. If you're so afraid to use the credit card because you might not have enough for a fifteen dollar order...

Me: (handing it back) Sorry, it was declined.

Customer: Here, try this one.

*Minutes later after trying fifteen credit cards*

Customer: Can I write you a check?

No. No you may not.

I know there's a witty remark in here somewhere, but I can't find it.

To top it all off I will now get to the Laptop Guy.

Tah-dah!

It was nearing the end of my shift, my co-worker and I were having a grand ol' time talking about something or other. It could've been about religion, politics, writing, books... Point is, it didn't matter what we were talking about because a customer walked in and came over. Have you ever had the experience where you are working with another co-worker, a customer walks up, and the customer proceeds (for a slightly awkward amount of time) to look first at you, then at the co-worker, then at you, then at the co-worker... Repeat twenty times. As if they're trying to decide which one of you will be more adept at helping them. (Although, I have had customers I TRY to make eye contact with, but they ignore me completely, instead going up to my co-worker who is busy eating lunch. Uh? I guess I just look too stupid to help you?)

The guy finally stops darting his eyes back and forth. "I bought this a couple a' days ago," plops down a piece of software on the counter, "and it's not loading properly." My co-worker and I kinda' stare at him a little bit. Then we explain to him that we can't help (strangely enough I'm not good with computers, which is weird since I work at a book store). So he asks for the manager. Yeah. Our manager is not really into technology. We explain to the customer that the manager probably cannot help me, and that he'd be better off contacting the manufacturer.

This is what the guy musta' been feeling

Weird... I was feeling the same way only NOT about computers

"I tried," the man grumbles, "but there wasn't any phone number." Then he stood there. For five minutes. While my co-worker and I made lame little noises. Well, I made lame noises because I didn't want to say anything stupid, and my co-worker explained our return policies. Eventually he left with our business card in tow.

Curious, my co-worked and I looked up the manufacturers website. No, there wasn't a phone number. But there was e-mail, a FAQ page, an instant messaging tech service, a forum... Plenty of help right there, little buddy.

And the best part? He came in toting his laptop. Yup. Tucked right under his arm. No bag, no dangling cords, just his big ol' hunk a laptop. Yup. Cause we coulda' just turned on your laptop and loaded it right up fer ya.

Oh wait, I think you're looking for Best Buy down the street.

Slumpvis Mondays

Around Christmas time my sis and I were wandering around a crafty store because she needed yarn for some scarves. (The same kind of yarn she made for her cute little owls.) As I was wandering around I came across this product:

What's wrong with this picture?

Why is soft in quotes? Is it really soft? Is it simply pretending to be soft? I touched it to be sure, and it was soft. So the reason for the quotes is still worthy of a debate. Or at least a hefty questioning brow. Then, when I turned around and darted down the aisle to look at something shiny, I saw this:

Those are some pricey blankets.

I don't know... I'd have to be pretty darn cold to spend six hundred and fifteen bucks on a little blanket like that, even if some do have penguins on them. These two things combined only reminded me of something my friend took a picture of:

Um???

What makes a sock diabetic? I didn't realize they had glucose to worry about. Who knew? I suppose there may be a way to fight against the Evil Socks who are going to take over the world! squirt glucose at them.

Evil Socks!

It is (sadly) an unknown fact that the world will not be overcome by communism, democraticism, or evil jellyfish. We will indeed be overcome by socks. Socks that look like this:

You can just see their evil intent leaking out of their very essence of being!

You see, I was walking along after Greek class with one of my friends, The Raspberry Moose, (um, that's what I call him in my head, but I don't think he knows that) and suddenly I stopped as The Raspberry Moose and the other dude, The Very Smart One, continued on walking. They realized I was staring in abject horror at the ground and turned, walking back to me.

"Uh? What are you staring at?" asked the Raspberry Moose (even though he dislikes the usage of the word 'asked.')

"It's a sock!" I pointed, aghast, at the wet as watermelon, dirty as a boy, sock.

"Yes," said The Very Smart One. I could here the sarcasm in his voice, Wow, how obvious you are, though he would have thought it in a nice sarcastic way, because he is not an evil, mean person like me.

"It's going to attack me," I said, still pointing at the dreadful thing. "Then it will attach itself to my mouth and I won't be able to breahte!" They ignored me, continuing up to lunch and I was forced to join them, because of the hungry pains in my stomach.

Later, on my way home, I was passing by the evil sock with The Raspberry Moose and my other friend, Dez. I stopped and nearly screamed my kidneys out.

There were two socks. The ugly used-to-be-white-now-grey sock, and a blue one. *Gasp!* I nearly keeled over. I explained to Dez that the socks were taking over the world and would soon be killing us all.

I don't think she believed me.

If she did, I think she would sleep with her windows locked and a gun at her side (though, my college probably doesn't allow that, since I know they took a sword away from someone.) So readers BEWARE! The socks are lurking out there, preparing to attack.

They will not look as cute as this

Retail Wednesdays!

Okay, okay, I was going to miss another week, but then I found out that Palindrome was having difficulties getting out of bed because of the lack of retail posts, so here ya go:

This pretty much says it all.

1st Crazy Lady:

All right. A couple of weeks ago we had this real crazy lady come in. She couldn't speak good English, and I had to keep asking her to repeat herself because not only could she not speak English very well, but her communication abilities were nigh near zero. Finally I was able to determine that she needed a Bible cover so I herded her over to the Bible covers. She then proceeded to ask ME what size Bible cover she needed.

Me: Uh... I don't know. It is your Bible.

Lady: But what size?

Me: What size is your Bible?

We, sadly, do not have Bible Covers this cool-looking

She gives me a look, clearly thinking I am the crazy one. Once she finally picks out a Bible cover she wants to see the kid section. That's fine, I'm about to lead her over there when I realize she has left her baby in it's baby-carrying-case by the door. "You need to bring the baby with you," my co-worker says, saving me from screaming at the lady. And you want to know the brilliant words of this crazy lady?

"Oh. I thought if I left him in the sunlight he would be fine."

!!!??????????? What is wrong with you?!!!

This baby was not left in direct sunlight, making it disappear

Finally, baby in tow, I show her the kid section. We don't have what she wants so we have to go back to the front of the store. She almost leaves her baby alone, AGAIN (and this time there ain't no sunlight for excuses.)

"You're going to have to bring the baby with you."

She gets all flustered, maybe afraid I'm going to call Child Protection (it was tempting). She brings the poor child with her (who is somehow sleeping through all this) and I take her to the front. Then I take her back to the kid section. Then I hear a giant banging of the door and a guy with poor English starts shouting for his wife. My co-workers and I are in such a rush to get this crazy lady out of the store that we accidentally ring something up wrong.

She calls fifteen minutes later. To complain.

I apologize to her profusely, explaining that things like this happen, and that we'll do what we can to fix it. She keeps demanding to know who exactly rang her up and I keep refusing, explaining that I was the one to help her. She asks who messed up again so she can "tell somebody about this" (there is nobody to tell, because nobody cares.) I tell her it doesn't matter. She hangs up, complaining about how far away she lives and how inconvenient blah blah blah.

Curious I look up her name on our mailing list. Yup.

"I live so far away!" she said.

Uh, try five minutes, maybe ten if you drive really, really slow.

This is where she thought she lived

(Ooh, and I found this pic on a website with lotsa pretty pics, so feel free to check it out)

2nd Crazy Lady:

I pick up the phone (because it was ringing and that's usually what one does when a phone is ringing) and it's some lady talking about a reciept and a return and a credit. My boss was there and he gets to deal with §happy things like that, so I handed him the phone. But I was curious, so I listened in while I "organized CD's."

I didn't look like this when I was skulking around, but I kinda' wish I did

Look at his sweet weapons and headgear!

She had ordered something over the phone, and then canceled said order over the phone, and was calling because the credit had never shown up on her credit card bill. But the best part? Get this: She had waited a year to call and tell us about this.

I had to use this because it's a Year With Frog and Toad

AND it's the Cookie Song!

Um, it's too late lady. After a year there is no proof that you bought something in our store. We are very small. Very, very, small. Plus, you gotta' talk to your credit card people too, not just us. She didn't seem to understand this because my boss had to repeat himself. Four times. It could've been more, but I quickly ran to the front, in case I started guffawing madly.

Aha, how appropriate!

Third Crazy Lady)

We have these little inspirational stones. They come in pretty little bags. A lady comes up with a stone and a bag (they always bring them up separate, and not one person has brought up the two combined) I put the inspirational stone into the cute bag. The cute bag has a hole in it. So I grab her a new bag.

"Excuse me, but I was trying to get a bag that wasn't wrinkled."

"Okay, but they're all wrinkled, because they're made out of wrinkeld fabric."

She doesn't answer me. Hm. I'm starting to say what I'm actually thinking to customers. This could end very badly, if I don't get out soon.

I don't remember what her stone said, but I sure hope it was this one

And for now that is all.

Oh! I just realized! The font changed. And it's in the font I am using for my current WIP (current meaning: this week I decided to work on...) How did it transfer into blogger? Ahk! It must be trying to call me to come back and work on it. Agh, I'm coming. What do you think I am, your slave?

Oh. Sorry. Gotta' run.

Slumpvis Mondays

Today I saw something random when I was unpacking boxes:

There was a random comic too, and I kinda' wanted to know what it said.

People have used weird things to pack boxes with, and the most annoying thing is newspaper. (Though co-workers would argue for packing peanuts.) Why? I don't like newspaper. It makes my hands feel dirty. I will eat an m&m I dropped on the floor, but I dislike touching newspaper. Weird, I know, but it's true.

Anyway, so I figured that the company was based outside of America, because we order from random countries sometimes. But nope, right here in the US, in Oklahoma. And it just reminded me of how cool America is. (Well... Let's not get into that discussion.) I like the fact that there are so many different cultures and stuff that you can bump into. (Though dealing with only Spanish-speaking individuals can be difficult. Or only French-speaking people. Or... Okay. I am an arrogant American and can't stand it when people can't speaking English, because right now that is the trade language [although other languages are starting to pull their weight around] and if you want to buy something in America, and you live in America, you should know enough English to trade, or bring someone with you who can. I'm not trying to be mean, but it annoys me when I can't help someone because I can't understand them. Yes, this means I should learn a smattering of Spanish, Mandarin Chinese, and French, but I haven't gotten around to it yet. Akkadian is much more interesting to me right now.)

Anyway. I didn't mean to rant, but I just kinda' chuckled over the randomness of it and wanted to share. Also, today my dad bought me these, which was good because I already wanted to hunt down some caramel.

I love Junior Mints, and these were good too... mmmm...

Anyway. That is my random thing for this Monday. I promise you I will write a Retail Wednesday this week, even if it's really short. Ugh. Two weeks is a terrible amount of time to miss, and I feel like I failed all of you miserably. :( Sad face. But I ate some chocolate, so now I will have the energy to get up tomorrow and do all of my homework so that on Wednesday I can put up for you a lovely post. Huzzah!

More Awards *blushes*

So the ever fantastic Falen gave me a really cool looking award:

Isn't it pretty?

I feel very stylish now. The rules of this award is to tell you five unusual things about me. This is going to be difficult, because most things about me are unusual. So I have to think of things I haven't said yet, and that I'm not planning on saying in the near future.

Okay, I'm making stuff up because I am currently thinking about a girl named Scotch and how she's going to handle Obadiah grabbing her from behind and dragging her away from the school parking lot....

1) I don't know how unusual this is, but I'm writing a story based off of a private joke. I know I mentioned this before, I'm just so excited about it. I did an outline thing for the first time ever (practically) because ... Okay, I don't remember who, but someone (I think Palindrome/Hannah or Falen) said to try one so I did, and I'm already almost half-way through with the first draft. Woo-hoo!

Doesn't this story look amazing??

2) I talk about death and dying on a regular basis, and I kill people almost every day. Okay, not REAL people, people in my books. It's just fun to say that to people because they freak out and their eyes bug out like twenty feet.

Knives... Mwahahahaha... >:)

3) I like to say things just to see how people react. Is that usual?

4) I miss being able to vacuum with my one friend. :( We used to race and see who could finish first. I don't think many people miss vacuuming.

So Exciting! (Definitely a 4 on the E.o.M)

5) Uh... I only drink hot chocolate with crushed up candy canes melting inside.

You may hate it, but I LOVE it, Sonshine

There you have it. *bows* Many thanks to Falen who rocks my socks off.

This blog award will be handed on to:

Dangerous With a Pen, because she is hilarious and stylin'

Palindrome a.k.a Hannah, because of her dancing muse man, which makes me laugh every time

SonshineMusic, because without her I'd be dumped in a loony bin somewhere

Scrap a' Honest

A long time go my sis SonshineMusic gave me:

Just a Scrap a' Honest

So here is the truth: I am very rarely embarrassed. I mean, there are times where I blush from awkward moments, but they pass so quickly that I hardly remember them. But I will try to come up with something. They will probably mostly be about the things I do that I know embarrass other people.

1) The way I eat my food. Apparently the way I eat bananas is disgusting. And when Sonshine and I went to London she was absolutely mortified to sit on the same bench as me while we ate croissants. (And for more stories of out adventures in London, keep an eye out on Sonshine's blog, because she said she would post something there. Mwahaha! Now she MUST do it.)

She is too far away for you to see her look of fright.

She is trying to find a way to escape, but she will find none.

2) A few weeks back, the father, Sonshine and I went to wal-mart in order to find food. Even though it was snowing enough to bury a large gnome. Hey, even a large Dwarf would probably be buried at this point. Anyway, so we were looking at frozen pizzas and I started singing "Home on the Range" while kicking my feet up in the air. One of the people who work there was staring at me. He looked like he was reaching for his walk-talki to call the police. Oh no you don't, buster. I will sing in the aisles if I want to.

I am dancing behind the camera, while everyone runs quickly away

3) Which reminds me of this picture. I am definitely embarrassed of this one.

Okay, there was definitely one where I looked worse

And I so felt like a hooker here. Ugh.

4) The way I am almost always shouting out embarrassing things. Like: “You have a wet shiny head!” Okay, I never shouted that one. But I was this close, which was bad enough. Just like the other day I almost said to someone with the last name ‘Saladino’ “Mmmm…. Salad.”

I am mad hungry right now. Mmm...

5) It’s embarrassing how close I am to being an overly large baby. Want the list?

a) Drink out of a sippy cup (not entirely my fault. We have to have covered cups if we eat int eh TV room, so I need some kind of lid and that's what we have. I could use a straw, but why should I waste one when I can just sip?)

b) I ramble on unintelligibly (just ask Sonshine. The other night I used like fifty words and none of them had anything to do with each other.)

c) The way I eat (as mentioned before)

d) I still whine like a baby (only sometimes when I'm really, really tired, but still.)

e) Uh... I think all dignity is gone at this point, but I'll stop here anyway, before it gets ridiculous.

f) Oh! And I drink milk as if tomorrow it will be outlawed and unavailable from even the non-law-abiding-peeps.

Mmm... Milk

6) While at work some older guy said something about: "I'm sure you girls know all of the cute single guys who come in through here." This is when I became aware that my face is WAY too easy to read, because the guys says, "Oh, ho! I can see she CAN think of all the single hot guys."

How I wished I could have named him a liar without becoming the very thing I wished to call him.

Okay, so I had the hardest time finding a good picture of

"Cute Christian Guys"

So I just got this picture, before realizing that it will sound like

I think Cute Christian Guys are Chickens.

I don't, okay? There were just not good cute guy pictures

I'm sure there's more embarrassing things that I do, or say, or have had happened to me, but this is all I can think of.

Oh. And I apologize for the lack of Retail Wednesdays. Last week was mid-terms, this week is Spring Break. Also, as soon as I decided to be on the look-out for wack-o people, they all disappeared. I'm getting annoyed at all of the super nice people coming in. what is wrong with them?

Yay or Nay?

I have been a fan of Richard (in Lost, duh) for a long time, and have wanted a Richard-centric episode but now I started shouting: "No!! NO! No, no, no." Because I am convinced that if he has his episode, he will die. And with all these people running around with guns... :( He just might die. Sadness.

Okay, I know that is an absolutely terrible pic of him, but I felt weird putting up a palatable pic. I just hope he doesn't die next week, because that would be sad. :(

In Which I Feel Special

Quite awhile ago Palindrome awarded me the Creative Writer Award. See?

Creativity!

And I tried doing this like, two weeks ago, but because I am a dunce I took pictures with a camera that didn't have a memory chip in it. It was Sonshine's camera and she can't find the cord to it, so I had to re-take the pictures, and I was just way to busy/tired/lame/lazy-bum to get up and actually re-do it, but no longer! Here is my post, and if it is long I apologize. But here they are,

Ten Things That Make Me Happy:

1) Inside jokes. I am currently writing a story solely based on an inside joke my friend and I have. It is so much fun to write.

Obadiah, Obadiah, Obadiah stalks my house

He is just a little creepy, and he squeaks just like a mouse

2) Glass bottles, putting together random flower/stick arrangements. Don't know why, but this makes me happy.

3) Plants! For the longest time I wanted a plant to sit outside my window, and now I have three. Here is one of them:

4) Keys:

The one to the Left is from the British Museum, the one on the Right my sis gave me for my 16th birthday.

5) Bangles. I just love bangles. Especially since Damaria came along (one of my story characters), who always shakes her wrists which are covered in bangles. Check 'em out:

One of these is not a bangle, but is in fact a super cool bracelet

that I am holding in ransom for one of my friends.

6) Clocks and London. These two things may not seem to go together, but in Trafalgar's Square I took this picture, and it always makes me happy.

Ahhh... London. I so want to go again.

7) Swishy Skirts:

The aren't very swishy in the picture, but they are in real life.

8) Rainy Days

9) Musicals. My sis and I just went to see Curtains at a local school, and it was so good! For reals, some of those actors are going to go on and by famous someday, I am sure of it. But one of my favorite musical soundtracks is based on the stories of Frog and Toad, and I want to be able to see it someday.

"Wave your hands in the air!"

10) Books. Duh.

*Angelic Voices*

And I nominate Joan Crawford for this award, and Falen, even though they probably have both received this award before. I also nominate Blam.

Yay!

And Falen gave me this one, which just makes me smile:

For this I nominate:

Shannon O'Donnell

Julie Dao

Eek.Eke

Even though I am newer to following their blogs, they have all proven themselves to be super sweet and sunshiney.

Anyway. Eventually I'll have another one of these kinds of posts, but for now, that is all.

Lame Retail Day

Today I will tell two very lame stories, because I am not live enough right now to do much of anything (like type, I just made five errors in that sentence that I had to go back and fix).

First Lame Story:

A man is standing by the Bible and barks (like a dog) out to my co-worker:

"Where are your large-print Bibles?"

Co-worker: (remaining chipper) "Right behind you."

Man turns around, is STARING at the large print Bibles. "Where!" He barks again.

Co-worker (no longer so chipper and quickly becoming annoyed. What, am I some underbrush creature that you should bark at me like the dog you are?) walks over, points in front of the man's nose and says, "the large print Bibles are right there." It doesn't matter how many times you have to do something like that. It is ALWAYS awkward.

So the gentleman looks at the Bibles while my co-worker safely places herself back behind the registers. We think there will be peace and tranquility, but that's just silly, because we live in the World of Retail after all.

"Are theses all of your Bibles?" the man shouts (even though we're within whispering distance).

"Yes," I answer (because I fear for my co-workers safety.) "The Bibles we ordered haven't come in yet because of the snow." The man does not deign to look at me, kind of humphing to himself. (Yes, customers do not realize that having snow fall up to our ears, having to close two days in a row, and having no orders for three days, will affect the orders we receive.)

"Thank you," the man barks one more time and waddles out the door.

"Yes," my co-worker mutters, "we do have the Bibles, we just were hiding them from you."

This is where we hide Bibles and our Penance cards from customers.

Lame Story Two:

I am busy putting giant piles of books away. I am like my sister and enjoy looking like Gus while I carry books around. Although, most of the time I feel like I'm running away from an evil cat who is trying to steal my tail from me, and I don't even have a tail. Anyway, so I am putting books away (imagine that, actually doing my job?) and I hear a customer come in. He sounds vaguely familiar because we have a couple of regulars. I am not so familiar with the voice, though, that I jump up and chase him down and demand to know how he is doing. No. Instead I continue doing my job, putting books away in alphabetical order. When I am done I go back to the front of the store where the customer is looking at half-price books. He sees me. I see him. I smile friendly, but I am not paying much attention to him because my dad just texted me and it turns out he is there to pick me up and I am not even close to being ready to go.

The man chortles. Yes. Chortles. I thought that was a noise only babies were allowed to make, but not so. I give the man a questioning look. "Yes?" my questioning look is asking.

"So, I see you're hiding from me."

*Sigh* Can customers say more awkward things? I think not. It turns out this is the gentleman I met while working in Staples. I don't know what it was about Staples, but the building just drew the most bizarre people through its doors. It was like a bug trap. I ended up having conversations with strange and friendly artists, a jolly detective man, and then there was this customer, whom I had a lengthy debate about speaking in tongues with. Yup. Awkward. This man was a whole lot of awkward.

I smile in his general direction while I try to grab my coat while clocking out at the same time. I'm not even sure what I said, or how he responded, because I was running out the door. Garbage cans. He probably thinks I hate him. Who knows what he'll say next time I see him? Probably something along the lines of, "So, I see you were running from me?" Yes! I run from creepy people!

"Run! Run! Run!"

Which reminds me of another story. The day before Awkward Day I was all bundled up in my coat, my lunch bag and water bottle in hand, and my scarf wound around my neck. I am heading to the back to ask my boss a question real quick and a customer asks me: "Do you work here?" Uh, lady, whether I work here or not is irrelevant, because I am obviously not available to cater to your every need. I pointed her in the direction of my co-worker who was NOT bundled up like an eskimo, and the customer had the audacity to look miffed. Miffed? I'll show you miffed...

It is sad that "Karate Chops are Not Allowed"