Sunday, January 24, 2010

Fruits and Roots...

Some of you know of such things as "Vegetables."

We are Veggies!

I have decided that there are no such things as Vegetables.

No More Veggies!!

These objects of food formerly known as “Vegetables” are in fact classified as something much different. You see, either there are Fruits, or Roots, or Weeds. Why would I say such a thing?

Why would she say such a thing?

1) Fruits are classified as food that comes from a flower (or a seed bearing plant). This includes tomatoes (despite the Court’s ruling), cucumbers, green peppers, and so on, as well as the already accepted strawberries and blueberries and others. To say that tomatoes etc. are not fruits simply because they are not as “sweet” is utterly ridiculous.

Utterly Ridiculous... Haha!

2) Roots would include such things as carrots and potatoes. They live under ground before they are taken out of the ground to be consumed. There is no reason for them to be called Vegetables. Things that grow underground are roots, just like the under parts of trees.

Yes, this is a Sweet Potato Tree

3) Weeds are such things as cauliflower, lettuce and so on. A sub-category of Weeds would be the Stalks, like corn and wheat, and celery. Because weeds are tall and leafy and so are such things as cauliflower and lettuce and celery. Right?

Sweet Muffins! Purple Cabbage!

Hence my supposition that Vegetables do not actually exist. It is a mythological term and should be treated as such. Death to mythological terms!

Ah... Guns.

Not these kind of guns...

(Not a gun either)

Still not a gun... Though he's kinda' cute
And deadly! Cute is ALWAYS deadly

I will eat your face offf!!!

Never trust cute kittens. They will always eat your face off. Or melon-ball your spleen out. (More will come on spleen-spooning. I will post a link to my sister's site once it's done and uploaded. However, unless you follow the amazing Nikki Stafford it will make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

This is all to say that you should never say the word "Vegetables" "Veggies" or "Vegatalicious" ever again. Or else a rabid kitten will attack your face off. With a spoon.


His face was attacked by a spoon-wielding kitten.
The Pure Unmitigated Terror

Sunday, January 10, 2010


Scones. They look innocent enough. Harmless even.

I mean, look at them. Sugary delights, almost bread-like in their make-up. Delicious little crumbles of nuts broken in. Deliciousity at its best. (Other than chocolate croissants.)

And yet hiding under its sweet demeanor the lusciousness of scones harbors a great secret that adumbrates the world. (Adumbrate meaning, obviously, to cast shadows on)


No. Not aliens. The answer is one big scary word: Commitment. Recently, well... semi-recently I was at a Christmas Eve service and there were scones sitting on a table. Squealing, I clapped my hands, hopped over, and picked up a scrumptious scone, looking a little bit like an excited wombat.

I eat scones every day!

I had been wanting one for ages, so I was quite eager to start gobbling one up. One of my friends standing nearby commented how he was surprised I had eaten it. I asked him why and he said it was because no one else had. I couldn't imagine why anyone would not want to eat a scone, but he explained that it's quite a commitment, eating a giant scone. It's easy to eat a leg of a gingerbread man...

...but to eat a whole scone, you really have to be committed to the task. Which led me to a great discovery. Easily as great as the discoveries of Newton, Einstein, Robert O. Nesheim, and others. Scones are a reflection of Americans issues with commitment. If Americans are terrified of eating a scone:


then how are Americans going to be able to stay married, stay at jobs without faxing in their resignation (true story). Blogs will go on without ever being posted on, TV shows will have three episodes before the directors etc. will give up. Politicians will stop being committed to their representatives within hours of being elected. The world will be in utter chaos!

Hence the solution that I have come up with: everyone should love scones. They should eat them with fervor. Should kiss them:


Okay. Maybe not kiss, but there should be affable feelings towards scones instead of terror. And this, my friends, will bring about world peace.

P.S. I have to thank my blog-friend Joan Crawford who has seriously inspired me in my blogging journal. And she's made me laugh my nose off, so that just shows you that she's made of awesomesauce.