Slumpvis Monday... A Day Late

Oh! Oh! I completely forgot that I wanted to try and do Slumpvis Mondays again, where I share something completely Random and Useless with you. Like...

This Gravestone my Brother, Dave, took a picture of:

Now, realize I Do Not like Bacon. It is a pig. Pig's look like this:

Flying PIGS! Cover your heads!

Why would I want to ingest that? So I am in no way condoning the eating of Bacon, but still... There's something about Bacon that is inertly funny. Yes. Inertly. I don't know how, but that's not the point. The point is that for whatever reason Bacon is humorous and well loved throughout the entire world. There is even a website endearingly called Mr. Baconpants, set aside just for the love of Bacon. And that is why we have Ridiculous products available, all inspired by bacon, such as:

Bacon Floss! Bacon Beans!

My favorite part is their slogan. Ahahaha...

My question about the floss... Doesn't that defeat the purpose? Aren't you supposed to floss in order to help your teeth be clean and tidy and smell minty? But what do I know. Maybe having the taste of bacon sitting around your mouth all day is a good thing? Who doesn't like to have the taste of decrepit, rotting, meat, lingering around making cavities? But that's okay! Because when you're done flossing you can just pop in a couple of these bad boys to help your breath out:

Mmm... Bacony fresh

When you're done slap on some...

For dry lips yearning to be greasy and slimy

But the two winners have got to be between this bad boy:

And when you're done, you can Eat the cup

And this:

Person: (turns on lamp, suddenly starts sniffing the air)

Do you smell something burning?

Just goes to show that given the opportunity, people will come up with the Weirdest Ideas.

Next Week: (if I remember) The Reasons Why I Love Bread

Theatre Thursday

Yes! Here I am again! Whoo... Two weeks in a row. How exciting. The blog is definitely a little less dusty now.

Today we are going to talk about...

Phones! and conversations thereon. As a company that runs almost entirely on phones, there were quite a few to choose from.

It doesn't matter how big the phone is,

the customer can still be a bigger stupid thing.

1) The Weirdest Phone Call:

This happened to a co-worker of mine. She loves cats so I will call her Sccp, for Super Cool Cat Person.

Sccp: (picks up the phone) Hello, this is Sccp how may I help you?

Person: What show are you playing? How much does it cost? Where can I sit?

Sccp: A Chorus Line, 5000 bucks, on a seat.

Person: Okay, sounds good. Can you give me your number so that I can call you back?

Sccp: Uh... (there's a pause of silence)... The number you just called me on?

Person: Yeah.

Sccp: You mean the number you just dialed?

This picture in honor of Rebecca and Hannah

2) The Second Weirdest phone call:

The phone rang and I picked it up, because at my job, that's what you do. Sometimes, I tried picking up the phone when it wasn't ringing, but it didn't work as well. Thus, when the phone did ring, I picked it up. And talked to people. People who asked stupid questions like this:

Old Dude: Hello, I'm looking at my ticket for tomorrow night's performance. Are you still having that show?

Uh, no. We canceled the show but decided not to tell you. Even though we have your phone number on file. And you've been coming for the past 77 years. Still, we randomly decided to cancel the show and not tell you.

This was not our mousepad, but it would've been Hilarious if it was

3) Worst Call Ever

Before I tell you about one of the Rudest Customers Ever, I wanted to remind you: The Box Office is small. There is barely enough room for two people and all our Box Office junk supplies. There is a Universal Retail Law: All customers wait to come into the store or call at Exactly the Same Time.

Conversation:

Me: (pick up phone) Hello th-

Angry Dude: Excuse me, I've been waiting for a long time here.

Me: I apologize, but we only have two phones and they've been ringing non-stop for the past two hours. We're doing the best we can. (All spoken in a chipper voice)

Angry Dude: Then you should get more phones.

Me: I'm sorry for the wait (I don't explain to him that then we'd need more computers, and more room, and more money, which would make his tickets cost... More.) How can I help you? (slightly less chipper voice)

Angry Dude: I saw your ad in the newspaper, but I didn't see your hours posted in here.

Me: (We don't have control over what the newspaper prints sometimes, like when it's done as a review. *slams head on desk*) I'm sorry about that. We do have our hours posted online.

Angry Dude: Not every HAS the internet.

As someone who didn't have internet service until I was twenty, I understand this.

Me: I'm sorry sir.

Angry Dude: Well what are you going to do about it?

Me: (flabbergasted) I apologize, but there's nothing I can do. I'm not in charge of what is printed, and all I can do is help you buy tickets, or give you information about buying tickets.

Angry Dude: Well, if you don't care, and I don't care... (hangs up phone)

Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What is wrong with your head????

This was my face. It was not a Happy Face.

I know there were more calls than this, but as they have been blocked by my memory, I have nothing left to share with you. On the upside, next week I will have a blog about Returns, if I remember. AND... Though it's not Officially Official, I pretty much have a job at the same place the sis works. Borders. But I'm working upstairs in the Calendar Store, so I'm sure I'll have different stories to tell when I start up Retail Wednesdays again. Yes. The manager made sure to let me know that if anyone ever threatens my life, I can feel free to call him. Sadly, from the other jobs I've had, I didn't even wince. I just nodded my head in seriousness.

See what retail does to you? It makes you loony, that's what it does.

Myself: It turns you into a... Bird?

Other Self: Yes. Yes it does.

Then you can fly around and peck people's eyes out and poop on people's cars. I mean, just look at that used to be Cashier's eye? Glowing Red Evil Eye. I'm telling you. That's why birds poop on cars, because they used to be normal cashier people who got so angry they turned into loons. I'm sure of it.

Beware of the Loon!

Theatre Thursday

Oh wow. I haven't been over here in ages. Look at all the dust. Disgusting.

This is what the inside of my Blog looks like

Over the summer I got a job at a nearby (Ha! An hour away is NOT nearby) Playhouse and worked in the Box Office. It was small. And hot. And very interesting.

See? That's me with the hammer.

I was planning on having Theatre Thursdays instead of Retail Wednesdays, but that so didn't happen. I don't know why. Even though I worked like, 9-12 hour days, I only worked 3-4 days a week. But for whatever reason (that reason probably involving Rampaging Sheep, just because that would be awesome) I didn't. So instead I'm just going to write a couple of posts summing up the type of Crazies that we had:

1) The Most Popular Question:

Lady: Do you have a Senior Citizens discount?

Me: Lady, 90% of our clientele are seniors. I don't think so.

This is not what our Old People looked like.

A part of me wishes they did.

I had one woman who was not so easily disuaded...

Woman: Okay, then do you have a Military Discount?

Me: Unfortunately no.

Woman: A children's discount?

Me: Not really.

Woman: A disabled person's discount?

Me: Uh... Are you disabled?

Woman: No.

Me: Then no.

Woman: Well. Fine.

In this picture I am not the Frog, but I want to be.

2) Second most popular question:

Whenever we sell a ticket we always say: 'This sale is non-refundable with no exchanges or refunds it is a final sale" because tickets are non-refundable, there are no exchanges or refunds, it is a final sale. Weird, right? But still, we got calls All Of The Time with people saying:

"My friend got a stroke/had a heartache/their house flooded/they caught on fire/were attacked by cats/got sick/is having a child/car broke down/flat tire/ate tuna fish for lunch"

The excuses were endless. But unless you're dead, there's not much we can do. Sorry, but that's the way it is. Even if you call your credit card company and complain, after a whole bunch of hub-bub you will learn that credit card companies are not stupid and you can't return something when we told you NO.

Here's a crowd of our old people. Do you think the sign's big enough?

3) Third most popular question:

"Where's the bathroom?"

Okay. So that question isn't as epic, but it was commonly asked.

Oh my penguins. Look at this shower.

4) The fourth and final most popular question:

"Can I buy a ticket?"

Me: No. You can never buy a ticket, ever, ever, ever, even though you called this number just so that you could buy one, but because you asked I will say no and cackle at you over the phone like a maniac.

Me laughing like a maniac

That's all for now! I will try and write more next week.

P.S. Haha... I'm a doofus. I was just going to write this because I had time and didn't even realize it was Actually Thursday. How exciting is that?