Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Wait... Wait... Yes! Yes, it Truly is Retail Wednesday!

Oh my goodness. I haven't been here for so long. I feel like I need to reintroduce myself to my blog.

Me: Hello, SlumpvisMusings

SM: Get on with it, you non-denominational pastor's kid!! [said in the voice of someone else I know with the initials SM. You know who you are ;)]

Ahem. Anyway. Getting on with the story. Today I will be focusing solely on the lady, whom I will call IdiotWithScreamingDemonChildren, or Iwsdc, for short.

Imagine Iwsdc as this Chicken.

It was a couple of weeks ago and I was working with my co-worker who will be called Kay. Kay and I were standing there on a quiet morning (well, we weren't standing on the morning, I'm not sure how that would be managed, but we were standing and it was morning. Anyway.)

This cow is trying to stand on the morning.
Either that or he is spazzing out from Demon Children.

The lady entered. With the Demon Children. We were in no way prepared for what would happen in the next hour. Okay, I take that back. That week had been Bring Your Idiot Children Shopping With You week, so we had slowly been exposed to worse and worse behaved children. Like with poison. Or ducks!


Nevermind. Ducks are better than children. Ducks are fuzzy.

The lady laughed as her children screamed and ran around her, leaving a trail of bagel crumbs along the floor (must've been practicing for playing Hansel and Gretel. I no longer hate the mother that sent of those two children like I used to.) "It's so hard to bring the children around with me."

Under my breath I mumble, "It wouldn't be if you disciplined them." Fortunately the Demon Children had permanently damaged her children and she didn't hear me. I left her to look at the books while her children played in the back in our children's section. Our children's section is basically a corner of the store that holds a Duplo table.

Imagine the girl screaming.
With a bagel.
Or holding a screaming bagel.

Or screaming toast!!

This is amazing.

I stayed at the front, too afraid to move. Kay, fearless and brave kept going to the back to check on the kiddies. Then she came back, her eyes wide. Iwsdc had given her an Evil Look of Doom. We heard gleeful cheering, as if the gates of Hell were being opened in the very back of our store (okay, maybe I'm exagerating a little bit, but have you heard children lately? And not the sweet kind of children that I adore, but the EVIL children that don't know what polite means?)

Taking a deep breath I made my way to the back of the store on the pretense of "organizing." I can't see the Demon Children, but I hear a weird noise, so I stop "organizing" (Read: cowering behind the shelf) and look over at the children. They are opening a box and pulling out plastic wrapped toys while the Iwsdc stands nearby watching them while glancing at a book.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! What is wrong with you???!!!

This is how shocked I was

I kneel down, grab the plastic wrapped toys right from the Demon Children's hands. The mother is all concerned and kneels down next to me (thinking back to it, she was awkwardly close to me.)

Does it LOOK like you can place with this?
No. It is a box. You're children cannot play with this box.

Iwsdc: "Are they not allowed to play with this?"
Me: (in my head: NOOOOO!! It's closed and plastic wrapped, you idiot!) outloud: "We have to sell this." (and yes, I said this in my "I'm-trying-not-to-bite-your-head-off" voice.")
Iwsdc: "Oh, I didn't know that."
Me: (in my head) "That's because instead of a brain you have a fish swimming around in your head! No, I take that back, you have a dead fish floating in your brain that is filled with dense water!) Outloud: "..." (while not glaring at her.)

Haha... Can you imagine if her head really did look like this?

She herds her children to the front. I stay in the back because, lo and behold, there is a nasty half-eaten bagel in the basket where the extra blocks are supposed to do. Yeck!! Blek!! Apparently, The Demon Girl Child gave up on being Gretel. At this point, she would be dead in the forest. As it was, she was still making noises in the front with Demon Boy Child.

I can overhear Iwsdc, partly because it is a small store, but mostly because she has a LOUD voice (remember the screaming children? You don't? Poke the nearest person next to you with a chainsaw, listen to them scream, all while listening to heavy metal music. That's about what the Demon Children sounded like. You'd scream eternally after that if you were the mother of those Demon Children too.)

On second thought,
set the chainsaw down
And back away slowly

She decides to buy the product that her children were unpacking.

I am surprised and say to myself, "Maybe she's not that bad."

But wait, I didn't hear the rest of the conversation.

When Iwsdc and her Demon Children have left the store I feel comfortable enough to return to the front.

Yes, I was hiding. You would've been too, trust me.

Dude! I want one of these!!

That's when Kay told me the rest of the story. Kay brought up the damaged product and Iwsdc points to the ripped up (probably sucked on) box.

Iwsdc: (whispering) "I don't think my children did that."

Right, because you weren't staring at them while they opened it. It's a good thing I wasn't standing there when she said that because I would've gone Evil Potato Chip on her.

Me, plotting.
Mwahahahaha >:)


mountainmouse14 said...


SonshineMusic i.e. Rebecca T. said...

Thank you for inducing an asthma attack. I can no longer breathe from laughing too hard. The line that incapacitated me? Poke the nearest person next to you with a chainsaw, listen to them scream, all while listening to heavy metal music. That's about what the Demon Children sounded like.

Screaming Toast! Like Henry!

Oh good heavens, too many funny things to list. I have missed you blogging oh dear demented sister of mine. It's nice to have you back :)

VW: sackerse - those giant purse/sacks that women carry.

Falen said...

You know what my favorite picture is in this post?
The one where you're shocked.

Palindrome said...

LOL! I've gone Evil Potato Chip on a lot of people. Ask them...wait, you can't ask them because they have been disappeared.

I'm sure that woman is at home with her demon children dancing around a fire and plotting the destruction of all bookstores.