Friday, September 25, 2009

Why Retail is Sucking Away My Soul

I think the time has come to take a serious look at how retail affects people. For today we will look at how retail affects the Customer, an important, but annoying factor of the shopping experience.


1. Retail makes people suddenly and completely devoid of a brain.

Customer: How much does this cost?

Me: Um....$9.97 (said awkwardly while pointing to the giant sticker that says $9.97)
2. Retail makes customers view cashiers as non-people

Customer: Excuse me, I want you to give me this giant stack of stuff for free and then I want you to wrap it, carry it to my car, and be my slave. Can you help me with that?

Casheir: No.

Customer: Uh!

3. Retail makes people FREAK OUT! and want everything now, now, now, or they'll have an epileptic seizure and DIE!

Me: If you give me your number I'll ask my manager and then call you back.

Person: But I need to know know. I'm getting ready to go Now.

Me: Well, I just told you he's on the other line, so... If you give me your...

Person: But I need to know NOW, or I'll blow your face off.

Me: Riiiiight, now that you've repeated yourself three time, I will listen whole-heartedly to you.

4. Retail makes people stare at you....

And then you stare at them back...

...wondering what on earth it is they want.

5. They will also invade your space, telling you ridiculous stories you could never even begin to care about...

"Look at my doll collection!"

6.They expect you to have magical powers...

Customer: What do you mean you don't have thirteen of these very specific hard-to-find books?

7. And they will call you a fish


Coming Soon! How Retail affects You.

P.S. Yeah, I feel like I should put up a disclaimer: None of these pictures are mine. That's what google is for, right?


SonshineMusic said...

bwa hahahahaha!

Riiiiight, now that you've repeated yourself three time, I will listen whole-heartedly to you.

Best. Line. Ever.

So very true as your sister in retail insanity I shall go write my blog (which I was planning on doing even before I read this. Honest. Stop looking at me that way! I really was. Remember? When we were talking about this earlier? Oh just never mind.

AchingHope said...

I WILL look at you that way. How could you? You have betrayed my trust forever. Wahahahaha... :****( [The face is crying many tears]

Blam said...

I'm not sure which was funnier...

(1) 7. And they will call you a fish
(2) Labels: aliens, brains, now, Retail

... but thanks for the laughs!

Blam said...

That's still cracking me up.
My verification word, by the way, was pronato, which is either a brand of vitamin for expectant mothers or a subatomic particle found in potatoes.

AchingHope said...

Gfk... Ahahahaha... Potatoes. *snerfle*