Retail Wednesdays! Or Why You Shouldn't Show Me Your Laptop

Wow, this week I actually had ridiculous people come into the store! I was getting all excited when I was telling my dad that yesterday, and then paused, wondering if there's something wrong with me. *shrugs* Probably. Ah, well.

There are always disturbing things you overhear while working as a cashier. Such as hearing this conversation:

Lady: Hey! Don't you have a necklace like this?

Other Lady: Yes.

Lady: Didn't that guy give it to you? You know...

Other Lady: Oh, you mean the one that tried to seduce me?

Lady: Shh! We're in the Christian Store! You can't say seduce!

First off, there is just no right way to respond to this. Either you duck behind the counter for a quick chuckle, or you just stare in their general direction trying to decide if you want to hear the story behind the comment, or if it's better not to know.

Second off, have you ever heard of Song of Solomon? If that's in the myriad of Bibles on our shelves, I'm pretty sure you can use the word seduce without me going all righteous bananas on you.

Oh my bananas, that's a lot a' bananas

But probably one of the most disturbing things (and it's partially disturbing because I hear it SO SO often) is this:

Me: The total is ____ (fill in blank with random number)

Customer: (handing me a credit card) Here, try this one.

I never want to actually take the credit card from them after that. If you're so afraid to use the credit card because you might not have enough for a fifteen dollar order...

Me: (handing it back) Sorry, it was declined.

Customer: Here, try this one.

*Minutes later after trying fifteen credit cards*

Customer: Can I write you a check?

No. No you may not.

I know there's a witty remark in here somewhere, but I can't find it.

To top it all off I will now get to the Laptop Guy.

Tah-dah!

It was nearing the end of my shift, my co-worker and I were having a grand ol' time talking about something or other. It could've been about religion, politics, writing, books... Point is, it didn't matter what we were talking about because a customer walked in and came over. Have you ever had the experience where you are working with another co-worker, a customer walks up, and the customer proceeds (for a slightly awkward amount of time) to look first at you, then at the co-worker, then at you, then at the co-worker... Repeat twenty times. As if they're trying to decide which one of you will be more adept at helping them. (Although, I have had customers I TRY to make eye contact with, but they ignore me completely, instead going up to my co-worker who is busy eating lunch. Uh? I guess I just look too stupid to help you?)

The guy finally stops darting his eyes back and forth. "I bought this a couple a' days ago," plops down a piece of software on the counter, "and it's not loading properly." My co-worker and I kinda' stare at him a little bit. Then we explain to him that we can't help (strangely enough I'm not good with computers, which is weird since I work at a book store). So he asks for the manager. Yeah. Our manager is not really into technology. We explain to the customer that the manager probably cannot help me, and that he'd be better off contacting the manufacturer.

This is what the guy musta' been feeling

Weird... I was feeling the same way only NOT about computers

"I tried," the man grumbles, "but there wasn't any phone number." Then he stood there. For five minutes. While my co-worker and I made lame little noises. Well, I made lame noises because I didn't want to say anything stupid, and my co-worker explained our return policies. Eventually he left with our business card in tow.

Curious, my co-worked and I looked up the manufacturers website. No, there wasn't a phone number. But there was e-mail, a FAQ page, an instant messaging tech service, a forum... Plenty of help right there, little buddy.

And the best part? He came in toting his laptop. Yup. Tucked right under his arm. No bag, no dangling cords, just his big ol' hunk a laptop. Yup. Cause we coulda' just turned on your laptop and loaded it right up fer ya.

Oh wait, I think you're looking for Best Buy down the street.

Retail Wednesdays!

Okay, okay, I was going to miss another week, but then I found out that Palindrome was having difficulties getting out of bed because of the lack of retail posts, so here ya go:

This pretty much says it all.

1st Crazy Lady:

All right. A couple of weeks ago we had this real crazy lady come in. She couldn't speak good English, and I had to keep asking her to repeat herself because not only could she not speak English very well, but her communication abilities were nigh near zero. Finally I was able to determine that she needed a Bible cover so I herded her over to the Bible covers. She then proceeded to ask ME what size Bible cover she needed.

Me: Uh... I don't know. It is your Bible.

Lady: But what size?

Me: What size is your Bible?

We, sadly, do not have Bible Covers this cool-looking

She gives me a look, clearly thinking I am the crazy one. Once she finally picks out a Bible cover she wants to see the kid section. That's fine, I'm about to lead her over there when I realize she has left her baby in it's baby-carrying-case by the door. "You need to bring the baby with you," my co-worker says, saving me from screaming at the lady. And you want to know the brilliant words of this crazy lady?

"Oh. I thought if I left him in the sunlight he would be fine."

!!!??????????? What is wrong with you?!!!

This baby was not left in direct sunlight, making it disappear

Finally, baby in tow, I show her the kid section. We don't have what she wants so we have to go back to the front of the store. She almost leaves her baby alone, AGAIN (and this time there ain't no sunlight for excuses.)

"You're going to have to bring the baby with you."

She gets all flustered, maybe afraid I'm going to call Child Protection (it was tempting). She brings the poor child with her (who is somehow sleeping through all this) and I take her to the front. Then I take her back to the kid section. Then I hear a giant banging of the door and a guy with poor English starts shouting for his wife. My co-workers and I are in such a rush to get this crazy lady out of the store that we accidentally ring something up wrong.

She calls fifteen minutes later. To complain.

I apologize to her profusely, explaining that things like this happen, and that we'll do what we can to fix it. She keeps demanding to know who exactly rang her up and I keep refusing, explaining that I was the one to help her. She asks who messed up again so she can "tell somebody about this" (there is nobody to tell, because nobody cares.) I tell her it doesn't matter. She hangs up, complaining about how far away she lives and how inconvenient blah blah blah.

Curious I look up her name on our mailing list. Yup.

"I live so far away!" she said.

Uh, try five minutes, maybe ten if you drive really, really slow.

This is where she thought she lived

(Ooh, and I found this pic on a website with lotsa pretty pics, so feel free to check it out)

2nd Crazy Lady:

I pick up the phone (because it was ringing and that's usually what one does when a phone is ringing) and it's some lady talking about a reciept and a return and a credit. My boss was there and he gets to deal with §happy things like that, so I handed him the phone. But I was curious, so I listened in while I "organized CD's."

I didn't look like this when I was skulking around, but I kinda' wish I did

Look at his sweet weapons and headgear!

She had ordered something over the phone, and then canceled said order over the phone, and was calling because the credit had never shown up on her credit card bill. But the best part? Get this: She had waited a year to call and tell us about this.

I had to use this because it's a Year With Frog and Toad

AND it's the Cookie Song!

Um, it's too late lady. After a year there is no proof that you bought something in our store. We are very small. Very, very, small. Plus, you gotta' talk to your credit card people too, not just us. She didn't seem to understand this because my boss had to repeat himself. Four times. It could've been more, but I quickly ran to the front, in case I started guffawing madly.

Aha, how appropriate!

Third Crazy Lady)

We have these little inspirational stones. They come in pretty little bags. A lady comes up with a stone and a bag (they always bring them up separate, and not one person has brought up the two combined) I put the inspirational stone into the cute bag. The cute bag has a hole in it. So I grab her a new bag.

"Excuse me, but I was trying to get a bag that wasn't wrinkled."

"Okay, but they're all wrinkled, because they're made out of wrinkeld fabric."

She doesn't answer me. Hm. I'm starting to say what I'm actually thinking to customers. This could end very badly, if I don't get out soon.

I don't remember what her stone said, but I sure hope it was this one

And for now that is all.

Oh! I just realized! The font changed. And it's in the font I am using for my current WIP (current meaning: this week I decided to work on...) How did it transfer into blogger? Ahk! It must be trying to call me to come back and work on it. Agh, I'm coming. What do you think I am, your slave?

Oh. Sorry. Gotta' run.

Lame Retail Day

Today I will tell two very lame stories, because I am not live enough right now to do much of anything (like type, I just made five errors in that sentence that I had to go back and fix).

First Lame Story:

A man is standing by the Bible and barks (like a dog) out to my co-worker:

"Where are your large-print Bibles?"

Co-worker: (remaining chipper) "Right behind you."

Man turns around, is STARING at the large print Bibles. "Where!" He barks again.

Co-worker (no longer so chipper and quickly becoming annoyed. What, am I some underbrush creature that you should bark at me like the dog you are?) walks over, points in front of the man's nose and says, "the large print Bibles are right there." It doesn't matter how many times you have to do something like that. It is ALWAYS awkward.

So the gentleman looks at the Bibles while my co-worker safely places herself back behind the registers. We think there will be peace and tranquility, but that's just silly, because we live in the World of Retail after all.

"Are theses all of your Bibles?" the man shouts (even though we're within whispering distance).

"Yes," I answer (because I fear for my co-workers safety.) "The Bibles we ordered haven't come in yet because of the snow." The man does not deign to look at me, kind of humphing to himself. (Yes, customers do not realize that having snow fall up to our ears, having to close two days in a row, and having no orders for three days, will affect the orders we receive.)

"Thank you," the man barks one more time and waddles out the door.

"Yes," my co-worker mutters, "we do have the Bibles, we just were hiding them from you."

This is where we hide Bibles and our Penance cards from customers.

Lame Story Two:

I am busy putting giant piles of books away. I am like my sister and enjoy looking like Gus while I carry books around. Although, most of the time I feel like I'm running away from an evil cat who is trying to steal my tail from me, and I don't even have a tail. Anyway, so I am putting books away (imagine that, actually doing my job?) and I hear a customer come in. He sounds vaguely familiar because we have a couple of regulars. I am not so familiar with the voice, though, that I jump up and chase him down and demand to know how he is doing. No. Instead I continue doing my job, putting books away in alphabetical order. When I am done I go back to the front of the store where the customer is looking at half-price books. He sees me. I see him. I smile friendly, but I am not paying much attention to him because my dad just texted me and it turns out he is there to pick me up and I am not even close to being ready to go.

The man chortles. Yes. Chortles. I thought that was a noise only babies were allowed to make, but not so. I give the man a questioning look. "Yes?" my questioning look is asking.

"So, I see you're hiding from me."

*Sigh* Can customers say more awkward things? I think not. It turns out this is the gentleman I met while working in Staples. I don't know what it was about Staples, but the building just drew the most bizarre people through its doors. It was like a bug trap. I ended up having conversations with strange and friendly artists, a jolly detective man, and then there was this customer, whom I had a lengthy debate about speaking in tongues with. Yup. Awkward. This man was a whole lot of awkward.

I smile in his general direction while I try to grab my coat while clocking out at the same time. I'm not even sure what I said, or how he responded, because I was running out the door. Garbage cans. He probably thinks I hate him. Who knows what he'll say next time I see him? Probably something along the lines of, "So, I see you were running from me?" Yes! I run from creepy people!

"Run! Run! Run!"

Which reminds me of another story. The day before Awkward Day I was all bundled up in my coat, my lunch bag and water bottle in hand, and my scarf wound around my neck. I am heading to the back to ask my boss a question real quick and a customer asks me: "Do you work here?" Uh, lady, whether I work here or not is irrelevant, because I am obviously not available to cater to your every need. I pointed her in the direction of my co-worker who was NOT bundled up like an eskimo, and the customer had the audacity to look miffed. Miffed? I'll show you miffed...

It is sad that "Karate Chops are Not Allowed"

Retail Wednesdays!

So my sis and I are having this thing called RETAIL WEDNESDAYS! (Insert the Price is Right clapping and cheering.)

These people are not real. Do not trust them!

And I wasn't going to do a post today, because I am LAME and trying to write query letters that don't suck like potatoes, but now I've eaten so much sugar my fingers are shaking and I didn't even have coffeee! Wheee! My siter made muddy buddies which are amazing and good and chocolate and peanut butter and powdered sugar!!! Sugar!!!

Mmmmm...

Okay. Yes. I am going to tell you some sort of story now, because that is the whole point of this post. Isn't it? But I'm having a hard time thinking because all I can think of is running around like some crazy person hyped up on sugar. (Maybe because I AM a crazy person hyped up on sugar.)

Okay, this isn't hyped up, but there is a whole lot of ridiculous hype over high heels.

Aha! That's better! That's one crazy person :) Hoorah!

Today's Highlight: 100 Dollar Bills.

Seriously, people, there needs to be a societal etiquette regarding the usage of 100 Dollar Bills. A long time ago when I worked at Staples a man came in fifteen minutes after we opened. He walked around for two minutes, grabbed a two dollar item, slammed it down on the counter. I am still bleary-eyed, slowly swaying as I tell myself to "wake up, wake up."

This might as well have been me. 'Cept as a woman. I am no man.

So I scan this old man's items. I make very little eye contact cause I'm just hoping to be able to get the two dollar item into the plastic bag, but it's looking a little fuzzy. So I go very slowly, very carefully, and VICTORY! The two dollar item makes it into the bag. Huzzah! I smile, hit the 'Total' button and stare up at the old man.

"That'd be two dollars and sixteen cents."

The old man waves a hundred dollar bill in my face, slaps it on the counter, and waits.

"Kind sir, do you happen to have a smaller bill? I do not have change for a hundred."

"Yes."

I stare at the man. He stares back at me. I realize that this happens a lot in my life, but I wait patiently for an answer, because there is no one else in the story except for the manager who's in the back, the creepy cleaning guy, and some dude who's hiding in the aisles hoping that he doesn't actually have to work. So I wait, still trying to tell myself to wake up.

"So you have a smaller bill than a hundred?"

"Yes," says the snarky man, "but I want to use the hundred."

Good for you, I want to punch you in the fafe! I do not say this. Instead I say, "Sorry sir, but I don't have change for a hundred."

"I don't care!"

"Dude," I lost my thin veil of professionalism here, "I am so not calling my manager to get me change when you have a smaller bill." He grumbles at me, gives me a five, and huffs off once I give him his change. Well, excuse me Mr. Snarky Old Man, next time I'll make sure I give you the thing for free, just to make yo life easier.

"I Don't Want to give you no smaller bill."

THEN the other day this woman gives me a hundred dollar bill for a fifteen dollar order.

Right lady, because I have change for a hundred, despite the fact that I opened eight minutes early since you were banging on the door and frowning like an eternal ray of frowndom.

Instead, I think i should have the right to chuck her over my shoulder, carry her to the nearest dump, and throw her in with the bags of garbage, just to show her how offensive she is. Seriously, unless you spend $46.30 or more, do not give me no hundred dollar bill in the moning. Or else I will find the etiquette police and make them hunt you down like the fish you are.. . >:)

Don't call the etiquette police!

Too late.

"If only he had used a twenty!"

Why Retail is Sucking Away My Soul Part II

Here comes the long-awaited second part of retail, and this part is the oh-so-abused and forgotten cashier. How does retail affect a cashier? Well, let's see...

1. It makes you immune to people's sob stories:

Women: But I couldn't come within a month to return this bent up, ripped up, book because my daughter died of cancer!

Daughter: (eyes rolling) Mom, I'm you're only daughter.

Me: Riiiight

He is wise and does not believe the sob story

2. It makes you second guess people

Me: Uh, lady, are you SURE you just bought this yesterday?

Lady: Yes.

Me: Then why is this reciept dated to five years ago?

More like 50 years ago...

Scenario two:

Man: I'd like to return this.

Me: Dude, you already returned ten things this month. Besides, once you open electronics we're not supposed to return them.

Man: Uh, uh, then my wife can return it.

How dare you accuse me, you cashier you

3. It leaves you speechless when usually you could come up with a witty response:

Is speechlessness synonymous with mimes? I know fire is.

Customer: Oh! You have such small hands! You don't see those anymore.

Me: ... (stunned silence. Do I say thank you? Do I stare at her? Do I slap her with a fish?)

4. It makes you forget what Holidays and Snow Days mean:

Me: What? You get holidays AND snow days off? Wait. What is the Fourth of July again? I haven't celebrated it for so long.

(And as my co-worker says about working on Labor Day: "Oh, the irony.")

Notice the beans. I really have worked a lot of holidays. I forgot about the famous "Bean Day"

5. It erases weekends into oblivion

This is TOTAL OBLIVION. *shrugs* Don't look at me, I didn't decide that. Ask Google.

Friend: Would you like to sleep-over on friday night? It's the weekend!

Me: (staring) Weekends still exist? I never knew...

STARE!

Okay. I'm gonna' need to divide this in two, so for now that's all. Toodle-oo!

Why Retail is Sucking Away My Soul

I think the time has come to take a serious look at how retail affects people. For today we will look at how retail affects the Customer, an important, but annoying factor of the shopping experience.

RETAIL!

1. Retail makes people suddenly and completely devoid of a brain.

Customer: How much does this cost?

Me: Um....$9.97 (said awkwardly while pointing to the giant sticker that says $9.97)

2. Retail makes customers view cashiers as non-people

Customer: Excuse me, I want you to give me this giant stack of stuff for free and then I want you to wrap it, carry it to my car, and be my slave. Can you help me with that?

Casheir: No.

Customer: Uh!

3. Retail makes people FREAK OUT! and want everything now, now, now, or they'll have an epileptic seizure and DIE!

Me: If you give me your number I'll ask my manager and then call you back.

Person: But I need to know know. I'm getting ready to go Now.

Me: Well, I just told you he's on the other line, so... If you give me your...

Person: But I need to know NOW, or I'll blow your face off.

Me: Riiiiight, now that you've repeated yourself three time, I will listen whole-heartedly to you.

4. Retail makes people stare at you....

And then you stare at them back...

...wondering what on earth it is they want.

5. They will also invade your space, telling you ridiculous stories you could never even begin to care about...

"Look at my doll collection!"

6.They expect you to have magical powers...

Customer: What do you mean you don't have thirteen of these very specific hard-to-find books?

7. And they will call you a fish

"Fish!"

Coming Soon! How Retail affects You.

P.S. Yeah, I feel like I should put up a disclaimer: None of these pictures are mine. That's what google is for, right?