E is For...Eclectic Retail Wednesday

Today I will divide up this blog into three stories, all very different from each other.

1. Exasperation:

A few days ago a customer held up some chintzy thing and asked:

"Is it okay if I run this OUTSIDE to my husband WHO IS NOT IN THE STORE AND CANNOT BE SEEN FROM INSIDE OF THE STORE so that I can ask him what he thinks about it?" (emphasis added and might not have been said by real customer)

Me: "Uh. No."

Yes. I am very unreasonable. How dare I not let a strange woman take a non-paid for item out into the parking lot and into her car? I am such an unfeeling person and should be hanged.

Customer: Can I steal this creepy doll?

I want to say yes...

2. Enthralling

I was helping a gentleman find a gift for a friend. He was looking at the bracelets and asked if he could see one so I unlocked the case and handed it to him.

"You know," said he, "it's a little expensive, but she's worth it."

Awwwww.... Can you say adorable?

It was ruined only by my thought of the lady's I had overheard once, so all I could think of was, "I hope he's not trying to seduce anyone." Yes. There is something wrong with me.

Adorable Cuteness

3. Eh, creepy? or Aw, nice!

Here's one from memory lane. When I worked at Staples as a cashier I was helping a dude and he needed some heavy thing from the back. I called up a co-worker and they went to find it. Then they didn't come back. And I had other customers. The dude I was helping graciously stepped to the side so that I could help the massively long line, since I was the only cashier. (I blame this on corporate.) I thought, "That's nice." Until I realized he was kinda' sorta' STARING at me. Yup. He was standing with his hands in his pockets, relaxed, just watching me.

Can I say weird? Can I saw nerve-wracking? Can I say Are You a Stalker? I saw him from the corner of my eye, but tried to ignore him while I helped customers, and kept praying that my co-worker would HURRY up and bringing the dude's stuff up.

Finally, after a torturous amount of time, my co-worker brought up the guys large desk, or whatever, and I rang him up as quickly as I could without being rushed. I managed NOT to look at him like he was crazy, smiling and everything. (This was at the beginning of my time in retail, when I still had patience.) The guy leans forward and says,

"You have a very calming demeanor." He smiled. He left.

I kinda' wish I had said: "You do NOT have a very calming demeanor."

I still can't decide if he was being creepy, or if he was being nice.

Kinda' like dolls. Nice or Creepy?

Retail Wednesdays! Or Why You Shouldn't Show Me Your Laptop

Wow, this week I actually had ridiculous people come into the store! I was getting all excited when I was telling my dad that yesterday, and then paused, wondering if there's something wrong with me. *shrugs* Probably. Ah, well.

There are always disturbing things you overhear while working as a cashier. Such as hearing this conversation:

Lady: Hey! Don't you have a necklace like this?

Other Lady: Yes.

Lady: Didn't that guy give it to you? You know...

Other Lady: Oh, you mean the one that tried to seduce me?

Lady: Shh! We're in the Christian Store! You can't say seduce!

First off, there is just no right way to respond to this. Either you duck behind the counter for a quick chuckle, or you just stare in their general direction trying to decide if you want to hear the story behind the comment, or if it's better not to know.

Second off, have you ever heard of Song of Solomon? If that's in the myriad of Bibles on our shelves, I'm pretty sure you can use the word seduce without me going all righteous bananas on you.

Oh my bananas, that's a lot a' bananas

But probably one of the most disturbing things (and it's partially disturbing because I hear it SO SO often) is this:

Me: The total is ____ (fill in blank with random number)

Customer: (handing me a credit card) Here, try this one.

I never want to actually take the credit card from them after that. If you're so afraid to use the credit card because you might not have enough for a fifteen dollar order...

Me: (handing it back) Sorry, it was declined.

Customer: Here, try this one.

*Minutes later after trying fifteen credit cards*

Customer: Can I write you a check?

No. No you may not.

I know there's a witty remark in here somewhere, but I can't find it.

To top it all off I will now get to the Laptop Guy.

Tah-dah!

It was nearing the end of my shift, my co-worker and I were having a grand ol' time talking about something or other. It could've been about religion, politics, writing, books... Point is, it didn't matter what we were talking about because a customer walked in and came over. Have you ever had the experience where you are working with another co-worker, a customer walks up, and the customer proceeds (for a slightly awkward amount of time) to look first at you, then at the co-worker, then at you, then at the co-worker... Repeat twenty times. As if they're trying to decide which one of you will be more adept at helping them. (Although, I have had customers I TRY to make eye contact with, but they ignore me completely, instead going up to my co-worker who is busy eating lunch. Uh? I guess I just look too stupid to help you?)

The guy finally stops darting his eyes back and forth. "I bought this a couple a' days ago," plops down a piece of software on the counter, "and it's not loading properly." My co-worker and I kinda' stare at him a little bit. Then we explain to him that we can't help (strangely enough I'm not good with computers, which is weird since I work at a book store). So he asks for the manager. Yeah. Our manager is not really into technology. We explain to the customer that the manager probably cannot help me, and that he'd be better off contacting the manufacturer.

This is what the guy musta' been feeling

Weird... I was feeling the same way only NOT about computers

"I tried," the man grumbles, "but there wasn't any phone number." Then he stood there. For five minutes. While my co-worker and I made lame little noises. Well, I made lame noises because I didn't want to say anything stupid, and my co-worker explained our return policies. Eventually he left with our business card in tow.

Curious, my co-worked and I looked up the manufacturers website. No, there wasn't a phone number. But there was e-mail, a FAQ page, an instant messaging tech service, a forum... Plenty of help right there, little buddy.

And the best part? He came in toting his laptop. Yup. Tucked right under his arm. No bag, no dangling cords, just his big ol' hunk a laptop. Yup. Cause we coulda' just turned on your laptop and loaded it right up fer ya.

Oh wait, I think you're looking for Best Buy down the street.

Lame Retail Day

Today I will tell two very lame stories, because I am not live enough right now to do much of anything (like type, I just made five errors in that sentence that I had to go back and fix).

First Lame Story:

A man is standing by the Bible and barks (like a dog) out to my co-worker:

"Where are your large-print Bibles?"

Co-worker: (remaining chipper) "Right behind you."

Man turns around, is STARING at the large print Bibles. "Where!" He barks again.

Co-worker (no longer so chipper and quickly becoming annoyed. What, am I some underbrush creature that you should bark at me like the dog you are?) walks over, points in front of the man's nose and says, "the large print Bibles are right there." It doesn't matter how many times you have to do something like that. It is ALWAYS awkward.

So the gentleman looks at the Bibles while my co-worker safely places herself back behind the registers. We think there will be peace and tranquility, but that's just silly, because we live in the World of Retail after all.

"Are theses all of your Bibles?" the man shouts (even though we're within whispering distance).

"Yes," I answer (because I fear for my co-workers safety.) "The Bibles we ordered haven't come in yet because of the snow." The man does not deign to look at me, kind of humphing to himself. (Yes, customers do not realize that having snow fall up to our ears, having to close two days in a row, and having no orders for three days, will affect the orders we receive.)

"Thank you," the man barks one more time and waddles out the door.

"Yes," my co-worker mutters, "we do have the Bibles, we just were hiding them from you."

This is where we hide Bibles and our Penance cards from customers.

Lame Story Two:

I am busy putting giant piles of books away. I am like my sister and enjoy looking like Gus while I carry books around. Although, most of the time I feel like I'm running away from an evil cat who is trying to steal my tail from me, and I don't even have a tail. Anyway, so I am putting books away (imagine that, actually doing my job?) and I hear a customer come in. He sounds vaguely familiar because we have a couple of regulars. I am not so familiar with the voice, though, that I jump up and chase him down and demand to know how he is doing. No. Instead I continue doing my job, putting books away in alphabetical order. When I am done I go back to the front of the store where the customer is looking at half-price books. He sees me. I see him. I smile friendly, but I am not paying much attention to him because my dad just texted me and it turns out he is there to pick me up and I am not even close to being ready to go.

The man chortles. Yes. Chortles. I thought that was a noise only babies were allowed to make, but not so. I give the man a questioning look. "Yes?" my questioning look is asking.

"So, I see you're hiding from me."

*Sigh* Can customers say more awkward things? I think not. It turns out this is the gentleman I met while working in Staples. I don't know what it was about Staples, but the building just drew the most bizarre people through its doors. It was like a bug trap. I ended up having conversations with strange and friendly artists, a jolly detective man, and then there was this customer, whom I had a lengthy debate about speaking in tongues with. Yup. Awkward. This man was a whole lot of awkward.

I smile in his general direction while I try to grab my coat while clocking out at the same time. I'm not even sure what I said, or how he responded, because I was running out the door. Garbage cans. He probably thinks I hate him. Who knows what he'll say next time I see him? Probably something along the lines of, "So, I see you were running from me?" Yes! I run from creepy people!

"Run! Run! Run!"

Which reminds me of another story. The day before Awkward Day I was all bundled up in my coat, my lunch bag and water bottle in hand, and my scarf wound around my neck. I am heading to the back to ask my boss a question real quick and a customer asks me: "Do you work here?" Uh, lady, whether I work here or not is irrelevant, because I am obviously not available to cater to your every need. I pointed her in the direction of my co-worker who was NOT bundled up like an eskimo, and the customer had the audacity to look miffed. Miffed? I'll show you miffed...

It is sad that "Karate Chops are Not Allowed"