Slumpvis Mondays: Bread

I have a fascination with Bread. In fact, pretty much every one of my novels has/will have some sort of mention of bread. When I go into grocery stores sometimes I take pictures of the bread aisles. Like when I went to Virginia:

BREAD!

So when I saw this pic I had to share it with you:

Shoe Bread?

Just Fantastic. So bizzare, but definitely fantastic.

A Little Bit... Disturbing.

A bit more disturbing...

I won't even post up the pics I found of body parts made out of bread. I love bread too much for that. So instead here's a silly one:

Bread Toaster!

Do you like Bread? Do you find bread disturbing? These things must be known!

Slumpvis Monday... A Day Late

Oh! Oh! I completely forgot that I wanted to try and do Slumpvis Mondays again, where I share something completely Random and Useless with you. Like...

This Gravestone my Brother, Dave, took a picture of:

Now, realize I Do Not like Bacon. It is a pig. Pig's look like this:

Flying PIGS! Cover your heads!

Why would I want to ingest that? So I am in no way condoning the eating of Bacon, but still... There's something about Bacon that is inertly funny. Yes. Inertly. I don't know how, but that's not the point. The point is that for whatever reason Bacon is humorous and well loved throughout the entire world. There is even a website endearingly called Mr. Baconpants, set aside just for the love of Bacon. And that is why we have Ridiculous products available, all inspired by bacon, such as:

Bacon Floss! Bacon Beans!

My favorite part is their slogan. Ahahaha...

My question about the floss... Doesn't that defeat the purpose? Aren't you supposed to floss in order to help your teeth be clean and tidy and smell minty? But what do I know. Maybe having the taste of bacon sitting around your mouth all day is a good thing? Who doesn't like to have the taste of decrepit, rotting, meat, lingering around making cavities? But that's okay! Because when you're done flossing you can just pop in a couple of these bad boys to help your breath out:

Mmm... Bacony fresh

When you're done slap on some...

For dry lips yearning to be greasy and slimy

But the two winners have got to be between this bad boy:

And when you're done, you can Eat the cup

And this:

Person: (turns on lamp, suddenly starts sniffing the air)

Do you smell something burning?

Just goes to show that given the opportunity, people will come up with the Weirdest Ideas.

Next Week: (if I remember) The Reasons Why I Love Bread

Theatre Thursday

Yes! Here I am again! Whoo... Two weeks in a row. How exciting. The blog is definitely a little less dusty now.

Today we are going to talk about...

Phones! and conversations thereon. As a company that runs almost entirely on phones, there were quite a few to choose from.

It doesn't matter how big the phone is,

the customer can still be a bigger stupid thing.

1) The Weirdest Phone Call:

This happened to a co-worker of mine. She loves cats so I will call her Sccp, for Super Cool Cat Person.

Sccp: (picks up the phone) Hello, this is Sccp how may I help you?

Person: What show are you playing? How much does it cost? Where can I sit?

Sccp: A Chorus Line, 5000 bucks, on a seat.

Person: Okay, sounds good. Can you give me your number so that I can call you back?

Sccp: Uh... (there's a pause of silence)... The number you just called me on?

Person: Yeah.

Sccp: You mean the number you just dialed?

This picture in honor of Rebecca and Hannah

2) The Second Weirdest phone call:

The phone rang and I picked it up, because at my job, that's what you do. Sometimes, I tried picking up the phone when it wasn't ringing, but it didn't work as well. Thus, when the phone did ring, I picked it up. And talked to people. People who asked stupid questions like this:

Old Dude: Hello, I'm looking at my ticket for tomorrow night's performance. Are you still having that show?

Uh, no. We canceled the show but decided not to tell you. Even though we have your phone number on file. And you've been coming for the past 77 years. Still, we randomly decided to cancel the show and not tell you.

This was not our mousepad, but it would've been Hilarious if it was

3) Worst Call Ever

Before I tell you about one of the Rudest Customers Ever, I wanted to remind you: The Box Office is small. There is barely enough room for two people and all our Box Office junk supplies. There is a Universal Retail Law: All customers wait to come into the store or call at Exactly the Same Time.

Conversation:

Me: (pick up phone) Hello th-

Angry Dude: Excuse me, I've been waiting for a long time here.

Me: I apologize, but we only have two phones and they've been ringing non-stop for the past two hours. We're doing the best we can. (All spoken in a chipper voice)

Angry Dude: Then you should get more phones.

Me: I'm sorry for the wait (I don't explain to him that then we'd need more computers, and more room, and more money, which would make his tickets cost... More.) How can I help you? (slightly less chipper voice)

Angry Dude: I saw your ad in the newspaper, but I didn't see your hours posted in here.

Me: (We don't have control over what the newspaper prints sometimes, like when it's done as a review. *slams head on desk*) I'm sorry about that. We do have our hours posted online.

Angry Dude: Not every HAS the internet.

As someone who didn't have internet service until I was twenty, I understand this.

Me: I'm sorry sir.

Angry Dude: Well what are you going to do about it?

Me: (flabbergasted) I apologize, but there's nothing I can do. I'm not in charge of what is printed, and all I can do is help you buy tickets, or give you information about buying tickets.

Angry Dude: Well, if you don't care, and I don't care... (hangs up phone)

Me: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! What is wrong with your head????

This was my face. It was not a Happy Face.

I know there were more calls than this, but as they have been blocked by my memory, I have nothing left to share with you. On the upside, next week I will have a blog about Returns, if I remember. AND... Though it's not Officially Official, I pretty much have a job at the same place the sis works. Borders. But I'm working upstairs in the Calendar Store, so I'm sure I'll have different stories to tell when I start up Retail Wednesdays again. Yes. The manager made sure to let me know that if anyone ever threatens my life, I can feel free to call him. Sadly, from the other jobs I've had, I didn't even wince. I just nodded my head in seriousness.

See what retail does to you? It makes you loony, that's what it does.

Myself: It turns you into a... Bird?

Other Self: Yes. Yes it does.

Then you can fly around and peck people's eyes out and poop on people's cars. I mean, just look at that used to be Cashier's eye? Glowing Red Evil Eye. I'm telling you. That's why birds poop on cars, because they used to be normal cashier people who got so angry they turned into loons. I'm sure of it.

Beware of the Loon!

Theatre Thursday

Oh wow. I haven't been over here in ages. Look at all the dust. Disgusting.

This is what the inside of my Blog looks like

Over the summer I got a job at a nearby (Ha! An hour away is NOT nearby) Playhouse and worked in the Box Office. It was small. And hot. And very interesting.

See? That's me with the hammer.

I was planning on having Theatre Thursdays instead of Retail Wednesdays, but that so didn't happen. I don't know why. Even though I worked like, 9-12 hour days, I only worked 3-4 days a week. But for whatever reason (that reason probably involving Rampaging Sheep, just because that would be awesome) I didn't. So instead I'm just going to write a couple of posts summing up the type of Crazies that we had:

1) The Most Popular Question:

Lady: Do you have a Senior Citizens discount?

Me: Lady, 90% of our clientele are seniors. I don't think so.

This is not what our Old People looked like.

A part of me wishes they did.

I had one woman who was not so easily disuaded...

Woman: Okay, then do you have a Military Discount?

Me: Unfortunately no.

Woman: A children's discount?

Me: Not really.

Woman: A disabled person's discount?

Me: Uh... Are you disabled?

Woman: No.

Me: Then no.

Woman: Well. Fine.

In this picture I am not the Frog, but I want to be.

2) Second most popular question:

Whenever we sell a ticket we always say: 'This sale is non-refundable with no exchanges or refunds it is a final sale" because tickets are non-refundable, there are no exchanges or refunds, it is a final sale. Weird, right? But still, we got calls All Of The Time with people saying:

"My friend got a stroke/had a heartache/their house flooded/they caught on fire/were attacked by cats/got sick/is having a child/car broke down/flat tire/ate tuna fish for lunch"

The excuses were endless. But unless you're dead, there's not much we can do. Sorry, but that's the way it is. Even if you call your credit card company and complain, after a whole bunch of hub-bub you will learn that credit card companies are not stupid and you can't return something when we told you NO.

Here's a crowd of our old people. Do you think the sign's big enough?

3) Third most popular question:

"Where's the bathroom?"

Okay. So that question isn't as epic, but it was commonly asked.

Oh my penguins. Look at this shower.

4) The fourth and final most popular question:

"Can I buy a ticket?"

Me: No. You can never buy a ticket, ever, ever, ever, even though you called this number just so that you could buy one, but because you asked I will say no and cackle at you over the phone like a maniac.

Me laughing like a maniac

That's all for now! I will try and write more next week.

P.S. Haha... I'm a doofus. I was just going to write this because I had time and didn't even realize it was Actually Thursday. How exciting is that?

Retail Wednesdays!

Okay, so maybe it's not Wednesday, per se, but it is pretty close, and I HAD to post this up for you guys right away, and when you read on you'll understand:

Hello all! No, this is not AchingHope writing. You can call me Mountain Mouse (yay internet anonymity!). When AchingHope asked me to guest write this week's Retail Wednesday, I was quite thrilled and honored. You may wonder how I am qualified to write such a post. I happen to be a (now former :-( ) coworker of Aching Hope's, at the very same store that has entertained you all for the past several weeks.

Yes, I totally cheated and asked my friend to write my post for me. No, I've never done this in college with a paper, silly. But because I'm currently not in retail and not in my home state, Mountain Mouse graciously agreed to be my slave... I mean, agreed to be my guest. Any comments in brackets are mine, and I dug out the pictures from the web as well.

Clearly, then, I've seen my fair share of, erm, interesting customers. Seriously, I've considered writing a book. It would be a manual on how customers should behave, so as not to drive their friendly neighborhood sales associate insane.

Which is what I've decided to do with today's post. (It's easier than going back and making sure I'm not repeating anything Aching Hope has said!) So sit back, relax, and, if you recognize yourself in any of the following examples, I'm sorry. Please don't feel too judged. [Aw, see how nice she is. I go out of my way to try and offend people.]

Things a Good Retail Customer Should Know (or, How Not to Make Poor Low-Wage Teenagers and Young Adults Cry at the End of Their Shifts)

1. Know and Follow Store Hours.
Believe it or not, most stores are not open 24/7. We don't live here, and we don't sleep behind the register at night (okay, there have been times when I've wanted to lie down on the carpet, but I've never done it, I swear). [I came seriously close once. I was sitting on the floor and leaned over... And then my co-worker warned me that I would get fired if I started snoring on the floor. Ha! I never snore.] Most of us have to go home and do something better with our lives like catch up on sleep, finish homework, or stalk people on Facebook.

If I was a cat, this would've been me.

So, when you enter a store, especially at any time that can be considered "evening," take a look at the hours posted. They're usually right on the front door. The one you had to open to come into the store. Really, we're not hiding them. Even better, call us up before you come! And when we tell you what time we close, please take us seriously. The following actually happened to me last week:

(phone rings at 7:41)
Customer: Hi, what time do you close tonight?
Me: 8:00.
Customer: Oh, we live 15 miles away. If we get there at 7:55, will you stay open for us?
Me: We close at 8:00. (I say the most simple response possible because, otherwise, my response would be to cry.)
Customer: Are you sure? You can't just stay open?
Me: No ma'am, I have to close at 8:00 (So that I don't lose my mind).
Customer: Oh, so it's like that.

I later found out she came in a few days later and complained to my coworker that I had said that we "wouldn't even answer the phone past 8:00." Whoops. [Sadly, this happened to me as well. *sigh*]

And people thought our store hours were bad

2. Know what you're trying to buy.
No, I cannot tell you what CD you're looking for by listening to you hum one line of a song you heard on the radio. No, I can't point you in the direction of the book you want if the only piece of information you can give me is that it has a blue cover, [Why is it always a BLUE cover??] the author's first name is Steve, or that when translated from Spanish, the title has the word "Heavenly" somewhere in the middle. I'd tell you to go research it on the Internet, but then you'd probably buy it off Amazon or something, and I'd be out of a job.

And sometimes what they're looking for isn't even a book

But a CD only sold on websites.

3. Know the return policy.
And for Pete's sake, save your receipt. No matter what. The minute you throw the receipt out is the minute that the item will break, spontaneously combust, or somehow become the exact opposite of what is wanted by the person for whom it was purchased. Most stores either post the policy somewhere near the registers or will print it on the receipt. Which is another reason you should probably hold onto it. Because saying you didn't know the policy is really a poor excuse for trying to get us to bend the rules for you.
Luckily, the store where I work has a system where we can look up past transactions if you're on our mailing list. Sometimes, however, this actually works less in customers' favor.

Customer: I'd like to return this item.
Me: Okay, do you have a receipt?
Customer: No. It was a while ago. (This sets off Red Alert signals in my mind, but I still have to go through the steps.)
Me: Oh, okay, well, if you're on our mailing list, we can look it up.
Customer: Sure, my name is _________.
Me: Ma'am, the last record of a transaction we have from you is over a year ago. Our return policy is 30 days.
Customer: Oh, really? Are you sure you can't just let me exchange it?
Me: Well, seeing as we stopped selling it months ago... No.
Customer: (walks out as angrily as possible.)

4. Know how you will pay.
If all you have in your wallet is an Amex card, you should probably find out if the store takes them before you spend an hour walking around and picking out items that you absolutely can't live without. If you want to write a check, make sure you have your driver's license with you. And if you're planning on paying with cash, it' usually a good idea to have enough bills and coins.
American money is usually preferred. I'm serious. The following is really true.

(A woman picks out about $3 worth of merchandise, and I tell her the total when she brings it to the counter)
Customer: (places a Canadian $5 bill on the counter)
Me: Sorry ma'am, I can't accept that.
Customer: But it's five dollars! (Note that at the time, the Canadian dollar was worth more than the American dollar. I was actually trying to save her money!)
Me: I'm sorry ma'am, but our store cannot accept that bill.
Customer: Why not?
Me: Because this is the United States?
Customer: But our stores take American money all the time!

Sorry, Canadians, but I can't do proper conversions at my register. Needless to say, she didn't complete the transaction. [Yes, I had a dude offer me South American money once, and I didn't know what to say, and we stared at each other blankly a moment before he said, "Oh, you don't want that." No. No I don't.]

As pretty as these are, I want the more boring American variety.

Unless it's American Express.

5. Know where your children are and what they are doing if you bring them into the store.
Someday, if I ever have a store of my own, it will have a nice big sign that says, "All customers who leave their children unattended will be charged a babysitting fee." [That is an AMAZING idea!! You could get rich!] If I had a dollar for every time a customer walked in, told their children, "Don't touch anything!" and then proceeded to ignore them for their entire time in the store, I wouldn't have to work retail anymore.
If you have children, and you decide to bring them in public with you, please please please do not allow them to run around like crazy people. End of story.

Yup... That's pretty much Mountain Mouse

The Mum is somewhere off camera pretending to be embarrassed

So, there's five things you should know if you ever find yourself needing to walk into a store to buy something. Oh, and it doesn't hurt to smile back at the sales associate. We like knowing that there are people out there that acknowledge us as fellow human beings!

There you have it! I hope y'all enjoyed, and Mountain Mouse is new to the blogosphere, (kinda') so here's a link to her blog that way she can be forced to write another blog post over there. Mwahahahahah >:)

We curtsy in your general direction

This is So Rambly, You'll Want to Bite Your Head off (Or Something Equally Violent)

I started writing this blog post like, AGES, ago and even though it's outdated it has some important info so I wanted to copy and paste it in here:

"Yes, you may have noticed that it isn't Wednesday. That's because there was a time vortex swirling outside of my window, and it caused some time fluctuations. You may be thinking, "but hey, Rebecca-Sunshine posted as usual." That's because Rebecca is so cool, and so non-flustered, that the time vortex bowed to her responsible nature and left her alone.

Okay. Myabe not. But I kinda' wish that all was true.

Anyway, I still wanted to post this, because it is a very important post. I'm gittin' outta' Retail. Yes. I'm quitting. *angelic singing* This means that I won't be doing Retail Wednesdays. I'll probably post about my new job, and there's some posts about Driving that I want to do.

What I wanted to do was post a letter that I wrote to my boss (I didn't give it to him), but I realized I really couldn't post it without serious ramifications. Or something like that. So instead..."

And that's when who knows what happened and I never finished, which is all sadness. I truly despise when such things happen, because you know something could have happened, and then it didn't. Like, I found the beginning of a story the other day, and I could tell it was going somewhere, but because I had started when I was like, 13, I knew I would never be able to write that story.

Anyway, this is SlumpvisMusings, NOT my writing blog so let me switch back over to Random Mode.

Because I quit a couple of weeks ago I have no retail stories. I don't even have any stories from my new job, except for the prank phone call. Hey! I could tell you that!

Wait, wait, focus.

Instead I'm going to tell you a long-winded tale that will eventually get to a point where I explain an experience I had where I was the customer instead of being the Crazy Retail Lady.

Let me preface this with a most oft' repeated quote: "Never meet people from the internet." You know, your mum tells you that, your dad tells you that, the mailman tells you that, and the crazy lady down the road with the dog from Hades tells you that.

Continuing on:

Last Friday the sis and I went to NYC! Yup.

I love this. It may have been in the middle of the city, but the Green was still alive and thriving. If I were a Greeny Enviro Person I would've just died from rapture. As it was, I snapped as many pictures as I could and tried not to think of too many stories.

This was an important place? Like, the Empire State Building or something? I don't know, I was distracted by something shiny.

And this was just another cool building thingy.

Anyway, we also went to the Strand (which was amazing!! I bought Shakespeare!!) and then we went to Borders. As some of you know my sister works for Borders instead of that other one. We looked around and there were NO seats, except the ones around the special events section, and we knew there was going to be a special event so we stayed away, found a quiet corner in the IR section and sat on the floor.

Nary a customer came by. There was the worker lady trying to put something away, and she couldn't find where it went so I tried to be helpful and point it out to her, but she ignored me so I shut up.

Yeah, whatever. I know as a Retail Worker that it's humiliating to admit that sometimes Customers see things you don't. All right. So I was trying to at least think nice thoughts toward the lady. Even though Customers see things I don't sometimes, and it saves time and energy to accept help instead of putting things in the wrong spot (cue OCD spazz out!!)

I was looking through the books while my sis went to the Special Room Where all the Poop Goes and I was browsing and started reading a book because it was way more interesting than I thought it would be. Suddenly I hear a grating noise. What is that grating noise? Why won't that grating noise stop?

I look up.

There is a Worker Person glaring at me. "Excuse me, excuse me." She kept repeating in an annoying kinda' nasally coughy voice that made me want to slap the nearest breathing human being.

She wasn't human, so I didn't slap her. Instead I said, "Yes?"

"We don't like customers to sit on the floor and read. If you must read there are chairs in the special events section?"

"Okay," trying to be demure and not stare at her overly rudely. She stomps away. She stomps back.

"Excuse me, ex-"

Ahhhhhhhh!

"I'm just waiting for my sister."

"Well, the chairs are right over there."

Well, Miss Snooty-pa-Tooty, I don't care. I ignore her and wait until the sis comes back. Fortunately, instead of sitting in the Special Events corner (with the uncomfortable plastic seats [I don't want to sit on no plastic seats, I was mad tired. Give me a floor over plastic any day. Unless it's a cup. I'd rather drink from a plastic cup than a cup made...of...floor?]) there were comfy seats open. So we sit and read.

It's quiet.

For two seconds.

Until the three immature teenagers in the aisle over start hackling like hyenas reading really bad puns. Se-ri-ous-ly. The one girl is lounging her head in the guys lap and the other girl keeps standing up-sitting down-standing up-sitting down. I'm waiting for the "Excuse Me" lady to come stalking over, but she doesn't, so I figure she only does that to the IR people.

Oh-ho, no!

My sis and I are about to leave and so I return the book to the IR section and what do I see? Five pre-teens sitting on the floor reading a book!!!! I thought they didn't like customers to do that? Hm? But apparently the "Excuse Me" lady just didn't like me. Maybe she was the same Worker that wouldn't listen to me try and help her and she was ANGRY!!!! or something.

I don't know.

But my annoyance didn't stay around for long because my sis and I went to the Jekyll and Hyde Club to meet up with people from the Internet.

But wait! I thought your mailman told you not to meet up with people from the internet?

It's okay, kids. I got permission from my folks.

No, seriously. My sis and I were standing outside of the Club waiting for Nikki Stafford and other Losties and I thought I was going to DIE. This was breaking Rules! I am not a Rule Breaker! However, the sis wasn't about to leave, and it was a good thing to, or else I would've missed out on a pretty sweet napkin diagram.

Okay, now that I've probably confused just about everyone, here are some links to other posts about the Lost Meet-Up I went to, which probably most of you don't know that's kinda' what this post was about.

Blammycakes

SonshineSister

Nikkilicious

Those are all the ones I know about.

Oh, and I may have forgotten to tell you that I'm kinda' sick and that Ibuprofen stuff kicks in just about now, and I like, never take drugs so when I do my brain goes loopier than... Something realy loopy. Like, um, earrings?